Why people have commitment issues
If you are in the dating world chances are you have met someone who has commitment issues., maybe it has even been you! People who are afraid of commitment generally tend to keep others at an arms length to protect themselves. When you understand why people struggle to commit you can approach them differently, possibly even enable them to open up and overcome their fear. Here are 10 reasons why people struggle with commitment.
Fear of rejection or abandonment
As a child or in a past relationship they were rejected for being themselves or were totally abandoned when they expressed how they feel. This made them feel embarrassed, unworthy and afraid of even asking for what they want in case they fall short of someone else’s expectations. To avoid this feeling they don’t even put themselves in with a chance.
2. Difficulty trusting others
Due to abandonment, rejection or past experiences people can struggle to trust others. Being vulnerable isn’t an option when they cannot ensure that they will be safe. Sometimes the immediate reaction of a person who struggles trusting others is to transfer the pain, hurt or behaviour from people in their past to new people. This doesn’t mean you are unable to overcome their trust issues, it simply means that you need to respect that these issues exist and give the person time and reason to trust you. The slower you take to build a relationship and the more consistent you are, the greater likelihood that this fear will drop away allowing them to commit to you.
3. Prior negative relationship experiences
Often commitment is something feared when your past relationship experiences haven’t been positive. You will hear people say things like ‘I don’t want drama’ or ‘If I don’t commit I can’t be betrayed’ as common signs that they still have some healing to do to help heal the painful experiences of the past. It is very common in the personal development world for coaches and wellbeing ‘professionals’ to suggest that you shouldn’t engage in a relationship with someone who has had negative relationships in the past and isn’t over them however just like developing trust people need to learn firsthand that not all experiences and individuals are the same. Be patient and teach them.
4.Low self-esteem or self-worth
Sadly for some individuals they have decided to believe a story they tell themselves, ‘I am not worthy of this person’ so they don’t try, they decide the other person wouldn’t want to put up with them without even asking the other person what they want. This one is tricky, you cannot help a person love themselves more this is something they have to do. It will directly impact your relationship if they are not capable of believing why you see that they are worthy of your time. If someone’s self worth is so low that it is turning up as a lot of jealousy, fear, reactions instead of responses to you then sadly you may have to cut your losses. Its worth pointing out too that some people can begin to fear commitment and put up walls if they have not consistently committed to improving their confidence. As a partner you can encourage them to prioritise themselves but you cannot force them to and if they won’t in the end it will impact your relationship and the level of commitment they have to you. This is the biggest reason why you need a partner in crime but also someone who still has their own life and identity- it is the easiest way to a healthy relationship.
5. Uncertainty about the future
When you don’t know what to do it is hard to make a decision right? For some people not having all the answers right now makes them feel bad and stops them from committing because they believe that you need to have everything right now or know the exact direction. The truth is this is much like trust, you can overcome uncertainty by communicating to each other about what you want and when. If the other person accepts what you say then you can get through uncertainty. If someone is adamant however that all the ducks need to be lined up before they commit then you need to accept that you probably aren’t going to change their thinking and move on.
6. Personal values or lifestyle incompatibilities with a potential partner.
Having common values helps a relationship significantly. If you can see that you have similar values and beliefs on all the things that really matter commitment will be less scary. If there is a difference then it may take someone longer to commit because they need to see how your lifestyle fits with theirs. As always, have the conversation first, do not just assume that it isn’t something you can come to accept.
7. Difficulty balancing the demands of a relationship with other responsibilities
Sometimes meeting someone doesn’t happen at the most opportune time and your commitment to several commitments make you question where committing to someone right now is the right decision. Whether it is a career that keeps you busy, children your parent, ongoing volunteering you do or the fact that you travel 2 hours for work per day, it can make someone feel overwhelmed and push the last new thing away- the relationship. It is worth mentioning that the pace at which a relationship flows will impact the fear of commitment in this regard too.
8. Concerns about losing personal freedom or independence
When you are single you have all the freedom in the world. You don’t have someone to consider, you don’t have to divide your time up amongst family and friends groups, you can just do what you want when you want it. This is easily the most loved part of being single. When someone comes in and threatens (even if they are super lovely) that freedom it can freak you out. You can navigate through this buy communicating what your expectations are around communication, frequency of dates and what commitment looks like to your new partner. We can all fall into the trap of thinking that someone’s expectations around time and freedom is the same as those people in our past. When you have a healthy relationship you keep your freedom as an individual while gaining new freedoms as a couple, this is a massive benefit of relationships not something to fear.
9. Ambivalence about the relationship
You may have mixed feelings because you don’t want to come on too strong, you aren’t sure of someone’s expectations, you feel like you both are great in so many ways and different in others or you may be ambivalent because this person is what you NEED not what you want. For example: the person you are dating (or who is dating you) is emotionally available and you aren’t used to this, so even though this what you want and need you may push it away or put out a hot and cold vibe because you are not familiar with what you have. Again, like many things these feelings or fears can be eliminated with communiation.
10. Undiagnosed and untreated mental health conditions.
This is number 10 but most commitment fears pertain to the first 9. Still, mental health can change during the life of a relationship often through no fault of either partner but due to life experiences. Due to an event your partner may be under mass stress, fret because they saw their mother or father fret and so they adopted this behaviour or they may have been a victim of abuse, trauma or poverty. If this is one of the reasons why someone won’t commit and you aren’t prepared to talk about it and your partner isn’t prepared to be considerate you are lucky…they are showing you that you have dodged a bullet.
There is one more reason why someone may not commit to you or you to them: they think they need to be perfect. This directly correlates to other reasons why commitment might scare someone off. It comes out of a person’s self love. Like many things in life, if someone isn’t able to overcome this lie they’ve told themselves and your attempts to calm them, help them trust you and build something meaningful doesn’t work then you need to accept that there is not much you can do. Just enjoy your life and see what happens!
Most people struggle with commitment at some point in their life, our responsibility as individuals is to uncover why we struggle with it, understand and accept why others may not be receptive to commitment and be really intentional about creating a positive relationship that is authentic and allows people to be superb and subpar and like you anyway.
