how relationships work
You’ve been fed a lie- relationships don’t just work they require work. Society has been showcasing to us through movies from Disney through to adult rom coms that relationships just work regardless of what happens in them. We walk into relationships with an ideal in our head of how it should be but it isn’t until we learn all about ourselves in the company of someone else that we realise relationships are hard work and completely worthwhile all at the same time.
Ironically men and women have been shown over and over again through media that a romantic relationship is super simple, it just needs connection, chemistry, desire, commitment and love. However, society often fails to (but this is improving thank goodness) remind us that relationships are tough, totally dependent on the effort two people put in and whether or not they choose, yes choose, to put the effort in. Yes connection and chemistry should come easily if a relationship is going to work but this is at the very beginning. If you are looking for the love of your life that you die old with, you’ll find that the chemistry, connection, desire and love needs to be reignited again and again and again. Not quite a sexy story line for a Hallmark film now is it?
If movies were made about the bliss and the bullsh*t of relationships people would probably freak out and need more help committing (see my blog post on commitment), however so many people the globe over would finally have a realistic expectation of how they really work. Think about it…do you have a healthy understanding of what it takes to build a friendship but a rose coloured version for romantic relationships? Most of us do. We know that our friends will tick us off and inevitably we will have to have a word to them and they to us but we leave this out of romantic relationships often. When relationships end people STILL (it pains me to say) encourage others to have one night stands as the cure for a broken heart. It’d be more sexy and healthy for literature to remind people that crying, being a hot mess (like the main character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and learning about yourself is the best thing to do when it comes to relationships.
Relationships are built on emotional intelligence, our awareness of ourselves and how we relate to others. The more emotionally intelligent and self aware we are the easier it is to relate and to handle the conversations in relationships that will have to happen. It will also enable you to build trust with your significant other more easily because they know you aren’t living a life in front of a facade. The absence of this facade will help someone else to turn up as they are and be connected to you, be vulnerable with you and want to share the great things and the crappy ones too.
To build a positive relationship trust must be present. This is built through open and honest communication and by having your actions and words match each other. As you get to know someone and you learn secrets about them, their vulnerabilities and the depth of how they feel, you will be required to keep that open and honest communication going. Both partners must want to put in the effort to keep the chemistry and connection you have going even when it isn’t easy. As a team you and your partner should want to work through things together, your individual challenges, your relationship challenges, the changes of life that you’ll encounter together. A positive relationship will make you feel safe, heard, seen, loved and cared for. It will be supportive, challenging, respectful of boundaries, sexy, unsexy and everything in between. It is through creating this safe, secure, loving space with each other that people can be themselves, feel less scared of getting hurt and have their needs and desires met. When you can choose someone and decide that you will put in the effort to create this space you can be more assure that your relationship will work and if it doesn’t you definitely didn’t let yourself down.
