The female monkey mind & fertility
It’s my birthday and you know what that means I have hit another age bracket on a survey form. You might think that’s absolutely ridiculous but you usually get a few years when you don’t have to think about this we can take the same box and move on with your life but this year 35 feels different and here is why.
Several years ago I made a decision for myself not really fully understanding what that decision was, you see I made a pact with myself that I would become a mum by the time I’m 35. I didn’t have to have a baby physically in my hands but my birthday but I would need to be pregnant in the year of my 35th birthday the only problem is today is my 35th birthday. I’m not a serious relationship and I’m fretting.
Some people think the conference coaches never have a crisis of confidence which is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever heard but the reality is we to are human. I made my packed a few years ago thinking that 35 is the oldest I’ve ever want to be to have kids. Like when I was 15 and decided that I wanted to get married at 21 and have children at 23 I had no real understanding of how life plays out. If I focus on the numbers instead of focusing on the quality of my life I probably would’ve married somebody who was not compatible to me and could be quite an unhappy marriage by now and so it 35 I’m incredibly grateful that I’m not. But here’s the thing it doesn’t change the reality that as a woman you know your biological clock is ticking and you haven’t found your Mr yet.
2020 was my year of surrender I learnt a lot about myself especially relationships love attachment styles and self trust. It felt pretty scary to let you go of trying to control some things and not know what outcomes would happen if I let go but I learnt through my year of surrender that there is so much more beauty in our life that we can possibly ever know. Despite surrender being something that I become very comfortable with I realise it still doesn’t turn off that knowledge that you have as a woman that you have limited time. 2019 was the first year I engaged with some content about this on social media. Words that Gabby Bernstein shared felt like there was see it into my mind but she spoke about being married desperately wanting children and it not happening no matter how much she will it into her life. Crying but then also thinking about her outcome and outcomes of other people that I know who had been in a similar situation. When they were meant to have children it happened incredibly easily. When they were meant to meet Mr Right it also happened incredibly easily. The commonalities at both of these things have with each other is it they were never planned, they were both surprises. The weird thing is that’s a really hard pill to swallow when you’re 35 have a biological clock is ticking and you’re waiting for the surprise.
When I was 33 I began talking to a few male friends about who might want to be a sperm donor and I was surprised by a few people who didn’t necessarily want kids but would be open to making sure that I had my desires. We are totally not compatible people for a relationship but they understood that I like the idea of knowing who would be the father of the children and in my mind I thought I would be okay with this kind of solution. It is my birthday ticked around and I began thinking about the last guy I dated who is nine years younger than me I realise that there really are no limitations to what we think is possible. How do I rationally ask myself if someone nine years younger than me could be interested my mind would’ve completely blocked the idea. How do I not been so eager to figure out how I could have a child one way or another I wouldn’t have the freedom of my thought to ask anyone to want to be the dad. When it was clear that the guy I was seeing was no longer interested it’s not long before my 35th birthday I had to start thinking about what life would look like. I had no pressure on someone younger than me wanting to have children certainly not straight away just so I could make my self-imposed deadline but admittedly it didn’t make me a little panicked. When would I have a child?
When I look for books I keep finding things about women who struggle with fertility but not women who struggle to meet the right person in and have children. It was really frustrating because I’m not somebody who doesn’t work on myself I’ve always prioritised personal development and work hard of my business. I enjoy quality time with people positive relationships and I genuinely want a partner in life. I just haven’t met them. Every time I keep thinking about having a baby on my own to feel my desire to make sure I don’t miss out on having kids my heart felt like it was in quicksand. I’m an advocate for children always having two parents. I know that people don’t always planned to be separated from their partner and things happen & sometimes for very serious reasons relationships have to end but I realise that I didn’t want to have a baby on my own. How do you deal with being 35 not wanting to have a baby on your own but needing to meet your person before your fertility runs out?
This is a question I really couldn’t answer. Surrender is really challenged because there are two things that you cannot control. There is also this almost nonsense from some male friends who don’t understand that they don’t have that pressure. There is also a real awareness of not wanting to put anyone under any pressure that I want instant family because the reality is despite everything I’ve shared I don’t. Just as an advocate for children having two parents I am also a massive advocate for positive relationships. I would never choose to be with someone just for the kids. I wouldn’t choose to be with someone just to have a child. I wouldn’t choose to be with someone because I’m on a tight time in my life I feel like it’s the next logical step I think that is a cop out to the person you end up with and to the children that you do have. So I find myself in this sort of conundrum.
Essentially I Have experienced a year of Covid we are like a mini other people people we haven’t been able to date easily. When the borders have opened up when our mask wearing has been down when we’ve been able to visit more people to dance and mingle the attitude around Dating hasn’t an ultimately changed. However I can say that despite surrendering to what is going to happen at some point my attitude has changed.
I’ve sometimes been around people who think there’s no point in trying on my dating and I fell into that myself. If you didn’t online date in 2020 didn’t date anyone at all. Choosing not to even put yourself out there when you know what your desires are means that there is zero opportunity to feel them and I think this is my greatest take away as a newly 35-year-old.
Sometimes we what we can’t have yet. Sometimes we get highly frustrated that we don’t have the results that we want and we ones are why is it taking me so much longer for other people and the movement from a to B is so much shorter but you’re really asking the wrong question. The question we need to be asking ourselves is how am I enjoying myself and my journey to my destination? Where do you know you want to be married and have kids with you want to have a business and live a child lost life with a partner waiting for what’s to happen can be excruciating so the point is not to wait. I can’t find a needle in a haystack with that solution in your business your partner in crime if you’re not actually moving. This is where I’ve decided to make my intention be well I surrender to everything else in my year of 35.
Busy while I know wholeheartedly that I do not want to raise children on my own I do know that I want children. Do you know that my age may present challenges along with my medical history. I am in control of finding out what my health is that and I don’t have to surrender to find out that maybe things are not going to work when I have met the right person. So I can let go of the things I can’t control and work on bringing attention to the things I can do something about. So when you’re 35 is about making sure that the epilepsy I have continues to be well controlled, that I consider the beliefs and mindset that I have that I would instill in a child, but he said writing goals about being a role model for fitness I become that before the child is here, and my business is where I want to be so I can easily have that time raising a child and working out of my business on it instead of working in it.
To me all of these things are things that people can sometimes yes when is driving to the things they want the most and it can be really hard to see because frustration takes over everything else. But there’s actually so much that can be done and focused on and enjoyed that moves closer to what we want without having to focus on the outcome of when all of those greatest desires are going to come together. What I’ve learnt from the year of surrender is that is one way to surrender more easily. I see you don’t give up on your goals because you don’t know what’s gonna happen you work on those things that you can work on and you leave what you can’t work on for the universe to provide it to you. Even though 135 I’ve never not had faith that I would be exactly who I meant to me and raise children it hasn’t happened yet but will. I’ve never shared quite a personal blog post with you about this kind of content before but the reason why I wanted to was because I know these women like me that are married and trying to have kids or single trying to meet someone and hopefully have children before the fertility is gone struggling to find something to relate to something to hold onto that gives them hope when they feel like being hopeless. The reality is even though you don’t know the answers you’re not without hope there are still things that you can do there are still things you can focus on and they’re not wasted time effort and energy. I hope that one day that there will be more conversations around women who are career driven want to make a positive difference in a really wanting a really high-quality relationship because I think the content around that is few and far between. Been criticised by people before for saying this but I really do think it’s very easy to be in a relationship it’s much harder to be in a quality one. While I could be married I want to be married to the right person, a person that is my partner a person that I adore, a person that wants to
Do you like together and someone that challenges me When I’m being a Butthead. I honestly believe that it will be a great compliment to hold out for that person that takes off those things as opposed to settling for anyone that could give me the child that I want by the age that I want.
To those out there trying for babies and or waiting to meet there Mr, you’ve got this!
