A dating doozy in 2022
In the dating world as soon as someone gets above 30 years of age society starts wondering, ‘What is wrong with them? There is no way they should be single.’ People go looking for the problems instead of actually giving someone a chance, so how is such an outdated belief taking hold on singledons? We explore this dating doozy.
In years gone by when people, especially women, were over the age of 26 they were easily ‘on the shelf’ decided by society to be highly flawed and unwanted. As time has gone on you would think this belief would have changed but sadly it has not. Women are still judged for being single, as are men and its impacting those who choose to live a different lifestye.
Sadly, today people are still making blanket comments about individuals having their life together because they own a house, are in a relationship or married but this is only one way to live and are single people really missing out?
Like many women when I was a teenager I had this fantasy that I’d get married in my early twenties and have children not long after. It was an unsurprising thought process because Disney cartoons and films often showed a young woman getting married to the man of her dreams with ease and naturally children followed soon after. But as I got into high school I realised how limiting this way of life is. As a woman to have kids in your early twenties you have to forget the idea of a career because you fast track the baby making days. What if I want an amazing career does that mean I cannot have the husband and the kids?
I know this is a belief that some individuals have, it is either one thing or the other. However this is so shortsighted and limiting. It’s unsurprising to me that high performers in particular get fed up with this societal belief, especially when people in person and on dating sites ask ‘So why are you single?’ Like being single is a bad thing.
In my lifetime, and certainly of other high performers, forging a career, travelling the world and ensuring you were completely happy on your own was important to ensure you turned up best for your future partner. But there is still this notion in society that ‘a relationship equals success’ without any regard for the quality of the relationship.
It is no wonder that people are moving in early, getting married simply as ‘the next logical step’ as opposed to really wanting to share their life with someone else and understanding the importance of working together as a unit.
In fact some people have accepted this societal belief so much that they will settle for less to ensure that they have a relationship and are deemed as attractive and desired. However a relationship doesn’t define how attractive you are, nor does it define if you have something wrong with you. Many people get into relationships without working on themselves; some even seek out relationships because they see the potential to manipulate and control others.
As a 36 year old I have no idea when I will meet the right person. I may have met them already but timing isn’t right or they may be under my nose and I’m having a Jules look (which means I cannot even identify that they are attracted to me) but I know that like other high performers being in a relationship doesn’t add to my desirability. I am desirable even when I’m single. But how do you change the belief from others?
To be honest I don’t think you can change this belief, it’s been around for hundreds and hundreds of years, particularly for women. I do believe however that you can choose people who have the same values as you. People who want a quality relationship and won’t settle. People who want to build a life.
Recently I was talking to a counsellor about how he helps others with relationships and he said ‘when you are a high value person you will not accept being an accessory, you want something real.’ I think this is definitely true for men and women. Men don’t simply want to be the attractive, protective person a woman can go to in her damsel in distress moments they actually want a deep relationship. Women don’t want to be a metaphorical handbag for a guy- someone who looks pretty but holds her tongue constantly and puts her self last.
The challenge is men and women have to be willing to do the work on themselves so that they aren’t afraid of sharing who they are with others. If anything I think this is where some people may decide that a relationship is not going to work with someone else. Not because at x age you need a house, car and a husband or wife but because you cannot build a life where you support each other, have fun and continually love yourself and them while you cannot let go.
Letting go isn’t easy. For some people surrendering to love (or letting go) is a very casual approach to meeting someone however it actually helps people to allow what is meant for them to come. It also allows what is meant for them to go. When we meet someone for the first time we don’t necessarily know whether it is definitely going to work but we can trust that if they are meant to be in our lives they would make the effort and stay and if they were meant to go, permanently or temporarily then this is also what is meant to happen.
Instead of society judging people over 30 for being single we need to start asking, ‘what life have they led instead?’ Then seeking to get to know them. We need to start recognising that success looks different for everyone and its not so much that something is wrong with another person but that people have different values.
What are your values? Are you single and over 30 and if so how do you find judgement from others?
