Does a relationship mean you’ve got yourself sorted?

I recently asked on Facebook and Instagram whether or not a relationship means that you have got yourself sorted or whether it simply means you are in a relationship. The poll results were interesting for 2 reasons. Most people said that they believed being a relationship simply meant you were in a relationship but those that disagreed were men, they felt that a relationship indicated to them that they were doing something right as if the relationship was serving as a kind of positive feedback loop. The second reason why I found this poll to be interesting was that despite the poll results (which were largely responded to by women) I find that individuals often talk about relationships as if they are a measure of their success. In other words, if they are single they refer to themselves as being somehow inferior to their couple counterparts. So I wanted to spend some time talking about the perceptions people have around relationships and how they determine their success.

Perceptions around relationships and success feedback into the older generations were getting married meant that you brought financial security into the family, where getting married young was the only socially acceptable way to be otherwise you were deemed ‘on the shelf’ some sort of wastage product as opposed to a human being. Unfortunately, whether it’s intentional or not these perceptions tend to permeate through the generations as grandparents and parents sometimes still consider marriage to be a way to measure our success. But there is still possibly another reason why we have these beliefs. Our western society is largely entrenched by Christian faith that has been overtaken by more religion than belief meaning that scriptures are often taken out of context and used as a cage to punish individuals as opposed to teaching them the freedom that comes with having belief or faith in God. Whether we are believers or not most people are aware of the scripture ‘to have and to hold’. When taken out of context relationships can become something we simply need to have not something that is worthwhile, that we connect to requiring effort and certainly not about a quality person who loves us for us, helps us to be our best self and add values to our lives. To me, this is therefore no surprise as to why people think they need to ‘have’ a relationship as opposed to desiring to be with someone because they want to be around them.

When we look at relationship failures, we often don’t look at the beginning of the relationship but rather just the problem. We often don’t reflect on who we are either and its usually because we don’t understand the connection between who we are and who we attract. So I want to spend some time unpacking it.

Let’s be honest, you’ve probably heard this: You attract your equal. But what does that mean? Essentially it means this:

WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT YOU WILL GET.

Now just as a forewarning a lot of people get their back up when they hear that because they immediately think, ‘well they are treating me like an asshole doesn’t that mean I’m an asshole, I’m not an asshole’ and then they stop reading what could really help them. Stop, this is NOT what I am saying. Please read on.

What I mean by ‘what you are willing to accept you will get’ means that if you want no strings you’ll attract someone that doesn’t want any strings, if you want someone who is after a relationship you’ll attract someone who is after a relationship. However, it is not always as clear cut as this either. We attract people who have the same attitudes as us, we attract people who have the same level of self- love like us. Sometimes we enter into relationships with a high level of self- love but because we have a high interest in the other person we put too much effort into the relationship than they do therefore lowering our level of self-love at the moment. As a result, we continue to attract someone who wants their partner to always make more effort than them, which helps them get what they need but makes you feel LESS. To change the game you need to demand what you are worth. This is why you need to know what you are worth.

At the end of the day:

Low self-esteem attracts low self-esteem and high self-esteem attract high self-esteem.

Negative thinkers attract negative thinkers.

Problem-focused people attract problem-focused thinkers.

Commitment phobia people attract commitment phobia people.

Insecure people attract insecure people.

Conversely, low self-esteem people may seek out confidence, high self-esteem person who is positive, solution/forward-focused, and committed but you need to decide if that person is you whether you are getting what you NEED from the relationship because here’s the thing, if you willingly enter into a relationship that isn’t providing you what you need you are simply ‘having’ a relationship as opposed to ‘being sorted.’ Does that make sense?

I don’t believe that people deserve to be treated poorly but I do believe that people are not consciously aware of how their choices impact on the way they will feel loved and this is why I wanted to spend the time helping to increase your awareness of how relationships can manifest a different reality to what we desired in the first place.

Always put your needs first because a relationship will prosper because of it. The more you love yourself the greater love you can provide for someone else. The greater love you can provide for yourself the increased likelihood you have of being loved for all of who you are, just as you in, return and I want nothing more for you.

Till next time,

Julia