Why serving others first ruins your relationships

When people start turning up for themselves, guess what happens? Other people turn up for them! It's this really crazy notion that we grew up with thinking that we can't put ourselves first, so we start serving other people which is really noble, but we often do it at the cost of our own health, our relationship with ourselves and our happiness.

We often never ask ourselves what do I want? Do I actually even want to be here right now? Where do I sit on my priority list?

This is the key factor in every single client I've ever had and every person I've ever talked to that struggles with confidence issues- they are not their number one priority. They often say ‘But Jules if I’m number one how can I be a good mother? A good business owner? A good wife or partner? Aren’t I going to teach others to be self- centred? It makes perfect sense why we have this fear as we all want to become kind people and raise good humans however simply because we prioritise ourselves first doesn’t teach self-centredness in fact it is the opposite. Creating a world where someone else is our world is a recipe for being unheard, uncared for and devalued and it doesn’t begin with that person, it begins with the relationship with ourselves.  

Here are some examples. A wife has gone out to do the grocery shopping, when the wife returns home the husband says ‘Can I help you carry the groceries darling?’ He really wants to serve his wife, not because she’s uncapable but because he likes being useful and literally taking the load off her. The wife says ‘No, I can do it.’ She does this because she thinks that needing her man makes her needy and she is capable so there’s no point accepting his help. The wife in her actions has decided that she is LESS of a woman for not accepting help, that because she needs her man she will somehow become less attractive to him. Reality is, its actually the opposite. This scenario isn’t about need its about want. A wife that says yes wants her man to take care of him and recognises that this is one small way he can show that he can do that, so she allows him to and receives the help. The husband feels useful, the wife put herself first. For the wife who repeatedly says no to her husband one day he simply doesn’t leave the couch. She gets angry, ‘Why don’t I get any help around here?’ To the man he doesn’t offer it because the woman showed him that she doesn’t need it so she’s simply crying out at the frustration she created for herself.

Example number 2- the hard worker in the office. The hard worker in the office is super passionate about what they do, and they really want to make a difference, whenever you hear about a new out of office gathering, volunteering gig or networking event to organise they are doing it. Problem is Clock Out worker gets asked often by the boss to take on part in the organisation of the networking and volunteering events because they are outgoing, and they haven’t played a part yet. Clock Out is thinking about their own free time and decides to tell the boss why they cannot commit but suggests Hard Worker is the best fit for the job. Hard Worker accepts but doesn’t really have the time, they end up taking days off to recuperate and they miss a major client to Clock Out. Hard Worker gets frustrated however Hard Worker could have put stronger boundaries in place and said NO to the events to focus on clients, Clock Out is not to blame for Hard Worker not prioritising themselves.

Girl Next Door receives a date with a very good looking, successful, fit man Fabio. Inconsistent Irena is annoyed, she’d been looking for someone like Fabio for months. To Irena the Girl Next Door isn’t even as attractive nor smart as her so she doesn’t get why she’s still single and Fabio is attracted to her. Girl Next Door knows she isn’t a model, but she loves who she is and she’s consistently working on being her best self. She doesn’t always say yes to Fabio because she has hobbies, things to do & she wants to keep her habits going. Inconsistent Irena isn’t upset with Girl Next Door, she’s upset with herself for her lack of consistency because whether she will say it aloud or not, she recognises that GND has something she hasn’t- she turns up for herself and she knows that this is what has Fabio hooked. Irena is still number 6 on her own priority list and she knows she needs to change it.

Successful Sam has a 6 figure business, he has holidays, spends time away from his computer and has an enviable life even though Bobbing along Bob knows that his life isn’t exactly the same as his social media feed. Bobbing along Bob wants to have more success but things are hit and miss, he loses motivation and then finds himself entertained by success stories. But these success stories don’t give him any answers just more questions- he ends up procrastinating with lists on lists of things to do. Successful Sam makes a post on social media about how he finally cracked his business and is making 5 figures each month. Bobbing along Bob is annoyed, frustrated & over it, he comments on Sam’s post telling him that ‘your idea looks familiar’. Bob was referring to an idea he once floated with his audience but never followed through on. Successful Sam replies politely and annoys Bobbing along Bob even more, Bob decides to scroll on by but he’s still seething. Underneath it all he just wants his business to succeed, he just doesn’t know how to get over the emotions and ask Successful Sam for advice because he’s embarrassed that he didn’t follow through and honour his own ideas.

Killing it Kate does a really great job at a wellness challenge but come the end of the challenge she decides she has enough traction to keep her going so she tells the coach, ‘I can do this on my own’. The coach encourages her to rethink but ultimately allows her to walk away as she’s made up her mind. Resourceful Rhianna doesn’t quite have the money to invest in a coaching program after the wellness challenge. She is feeling a little stressed because she desperately wants continued support from the coach until she is 100% sure her new learning has become a habit. She decides to sell some things on Facebook marketplace she hasn’t used for a while, do a few extra shifts & babysit for some friends who need date nights out away from their kids. Just before the earlybird special Is over Resourceful Rhianna pays for the coaching program. At the second wellness challenge 3 months later Killing it Kate hears Resourceful Rhianna’s testimonial about the coaching program & she sees her massive confidence transformation. She thinks ‘My goodness I could feel as amazing as she does, have the success I want and a really loving relationship…I have to start now.’ Killing it Kate goes to Resourceful Rhianna and asks for advice for how to make it happen, she signs up to coaching & apologises to herself for not turning up for herself. Her self-forgiveness allows her to immediately focus on future success and not the time she wasted, 3 months later she becomes the new testimonial.

Can you see some similarities in these examples? Each of these people experienced a desire to lash out at others because they didn’t turn up for themselves. It is unfortunately the way we as humans process our inner turmoil. We see what we love in others and we want to diminish it so our pain of inconsistency, the lies we’ve told ourselves and our inaction doesn’t hurt as much but it doesn’t change the reality we know. We know when we turn up and we know when we don’t. When we move from reacting to a place of responding where we can ask someone- how can you help me, I’m looking to achieve what you have, we have a place we can learn to turn up for ourselves more from a place of awareness and humility. Each of these stories have a commonality- our interactions with others are impacted by our ability to turn up for ourselves, whether that’s through building greater awareness, doing a physical workout or taking action in our careers or business. We may believe that serving others is the key to being a good person but when our emotional state is tainted by our relationship with ourself our first action should always be to look after our number one- ourselves.